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What Does the Bible Teach About Mothers Working Outside the Home?

Our Daily Bread — Fri, 13 Sep 2024 19:39:16 +0000

According to Titus 2:5 it is important that a young woman keep her home. She is “to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to [her] husband, so that no one will malign the Word of God.”

Paul’s purpose for telling young women to be pure, self-controlled,and keepers of their home is found in the last part of the verse, “so that no one will malign the Word of God.” How can responsible Christian women honor God in our culture? How do we make decisions for our family that will not make a mockery of our faith? What does it mean to be a keeper of the home? Is being busy at home a command that transcends time and culture? Is it a part of our God-given role to stay at home? Or is it a cultural standard?

There seem to be no clear-cut answers to these questions, but there is an overriding principle that must guide our decisions and actions. We must live our lives blameless before God and the world. We must not do anything that would be negligent or irresponsible, thus subjecting ourselves to criticism that would reflect poorly on Christ. Our actions should put our Lord in a good light, not cast a shadow.

How can a woman keep her home in such a way that reflects well upon her Lord? A woman who is following God’s leading in her life,using her talents and gifts for His ultimate glory, is a woman who is God-honoring. What kinds of things would weaken my testimony as a woman of God? A home that is in a constant state of chaos and disarray. Children with no supervision or care. Out-of-control spending and debt. Great dissension within the home. Disrespect between husband and wife and children.

In a culture that at times demands two-income homes, should women of today be held solely responsible for being the managers of their homes in the same way that the New Testament women were? Or is being a keeper of the home a joint-effort between husband and wife if both work outside the home? Sometimes we get stuck on the question “Who should work outside the home?” when reading Scripture and we fail to realize that there is a higher purpose involved.The higher calling is to protect the Word of God. The primary question to consider is not whether women should work outside of the home, it’s “Are our homes reflecting well on the Lord?”

Foundations To Build Your Home On

The following principles are a foundation upon which to build our homes — homes that will honor Christ and be a testimony to the world.

First, God has established the family to be a reflection of Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:21-6:4). Our homes need to mirror the unity and love of Christ. Our love for our families must be sacrificial, just as Christ’s love is sacrificial. He left His throne and sacrificed His life for us, and we are to emulate that kind of humility and sacrifice in our homes. We are to submit to, exhort, and most importantly, love one another (1 Corinthians 13 , Ephesians 5:22 , Hebrews 3:13). Love must guide our decisions as we relate to God, our families, and our world.

Second, God is our provider for our physical, emotional, and spiritual needs (Psalm 23:1; 34:10 ; Matthew 6:28-34 ; James 1:17). If we are doing our best to provide for our family’s needs, we can count on God to fill in the gaps. God will provide for the unique needs of each family.

Third, God says He will be a father to the fatherless (Psalm 68:5). If you are a single parent, you have added stress because you are trying to fill the role of both parents in the home. You may feel that you have an impossible task before you. But God will lighten your burden in foreseeable ways by protecting, guiding, and providing for you and your children.

Key Points To Remember

As you make the decision whether to work outside the home, keep these things in mind:

1. Prioritize your life. Make a list of your commitments (i.e., family,financial, etc.) in the order of their importance, with your family at the top. The real needs of your family should be taken care of before lesser pursuits (Proverbs 31:10-31). Make sure your priorities are in line with Scripture, then base your decision on this list of priorities.Give prayerful consideration to your family’s financial situation. Develop a budget that will work for you, and make changes where necessary. If you try, can you meet your financial obligations on one income? (Suggested readings: The Tightwad Gazette or the Frugal Gazette Web site.)

2. Decide on what you consider to be “quality” child care. Undoubtedly, no day-care center can provide the love and care that you can. However, this does not mean that day care cannot give your child a nurturing environment. Take time to observe and select an environment where your values will be upheld and instilled in your children. Working moms and dads need to provide their children with the best care while they are away from home. Research shows that early infant stimulation and interactions have a profound impact on development of emotions and skills (Newsweek, Summer 1997, How To Build A Baby’s Brain, p.28). It is important, therefore, to choose care for your child that will promote emotional and intellectual growth.

3. Utilize the resources of your extended family. Would a grandmother or grandfather be willing and able to care for your child at little or no cost? We may be living in a time where we will rediscover the value of extended family and how relatives can come together and help one another, working for the good of the family.

4. Look for flexibility within your present employment. Can you or your husband seek alternative work options? Your schedules may be able to work together so that one of you is home with the children most of the time. Flextime, job-sharing, and work-at-home jobs are options that may create more flexibility in your schedules and allow you to be able to spend more time with your children.

5. Investigate other means of income that would fit your needs and allow you to work out of your home, creating more time to devote to your children. (Suggested reading: Women Leaving The Workplace by Larry Burkett.)

6. Use the time that you have with your children to its fullest. When you are home with the children, let them know that this time is for them. Turn the TV off and go for a nature walk, read books, talk to your kids, listen to music. Let the dishes go! Or include your children in daily chores around the house to teach them responsibility and the importance of work. Invest in your children with the time that you do have.

7. Take time out for yourself and, if you are married, your spouse. Quiet time is a precious commodity when you are raising a family. Even if it means the children have an earlier bedtime, be sure you take time to invest in your spiritual, emotional, and mental well-being. Setting time boundaries can help your children learn the importance of relationships and respecting others’ needs.

8. Remember that you are not alone. If you are married, rely on your husband for his contribution to the management of your household. Divide the chores and home duties with your husband and your children. Seek the support of other women who are in the same situation. Talk about your struggles with one another. Bible study groups, books, and other resources are available for working moms.

If you have determined that it is impossible to make ends meet on one income, and you have taken steps to provide the best care for your children, you may continue to have feelings of sadness and disappointment. You may feel a sense of loss over not being with your children. You can experience God’s peace as you nurture your relationship with Him through prayer and meditation on His Word (Romans 8:6). And you can be comforted in the fact that, as you seek God first, He will give you the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4).

Every family is different. God has set up the structure for the family, but His detailed working plan may look different for each family. Although the plans may be different, our goal is the same — to bring glory to the Lord. His plan may be for you to contribute to the financial welfare of your family. His plan may be that you find other employment so that you can spend more time with your children. Or God may be asking you to step out of the work force entirely. Be open to His leading in your life and His will. Ask Him for direction, strength, and wisdom. Do your best with what you have and trust God for the outcome.

The post What Does the Bible Teach About Mothers Working Outside the Home? appeared first on Our Daily Bread Ministries Canada.

Why Do Christians Avoid Expressions of Anger?

Our Daily Bread — Fri, 13 Sep 2024 19:39:16 +0000

It’s a natural tendency to avoid anything uncomfortable. Many Christians tense up in situations where angry feelings arise. We’ve all probably witnessed the volcanic anger that erupts from a disgruntled customer in the grocery checkout lane. Everyone around gets singed by the heat of rage directed toward the offending cashier. They scramble to put distance between themselves and the angry eruption.

Avoiding all anger is like turning off the electricity in your house so as to avoid the potential of being electrocuted. While anger suppression works to keep you safe, it also means there is a diminished emotional capacity to deeply enjoy life or to reach out to help others.

While avoidance is a healthy response to destructive anger, Christians often try to steer clear of any expression of anger. The assumption is that if we avoid all anger, then we at least will not be guilty of sinful anger. That kind of “all or nothing” thinking, however, reflects a refusal to honestly struggle with the complex issues of life that are intended to direct our attention toward God, who is righteously angered by sin. God calls us to be like Him in this world (1 John 4:17). And that means we must learn to handle anger well, not avoid it.

There are at least four basic reasons why Christians avoid expressions of anger.

First, some avoid expressing anger because of the fear of repeating the abuses of the past. We’ve all witnessed destructive anger. Many are haunted by memories of anger that destroyed relationships, and wounded hearts. Many grew up in homes torn apart by parents who often resorted to angry outbursts or threats to squelch opposition to their plans or opinions. Anger has fueled all kinds of abuse. It has been a devastating component in the epidemic of broken homes that litter the landscape of modern society.

While past scars remind us of the wounds inflicted by someone’s anger against us, we also regret our own unholy use of anger. Because of those painful memories, many have vowed to steer clear of any expression of anger because of the fear of falling back into the same destructive patterns of the past.

However, being controlled by a fear of repeating the past tends to stifle our capacity to live boldly in the present. Courage is what empowers action in the midst of fear and uncertainty. A person who lacks courage is often defensive and more committed to self-protection than loving engagement. They reason: ?If I don’t get angry with you, you can’t get angry with me. We’ll let by-gones be by-gones and pretend that everything’s okay.?

Second, we may avoid anger because we fear powerful emotion — passion. The expression of anger is a passionate response. Because we are people who strive for control, we fear anything that is so passionate that it seems to defy control. We feel more safe and secure when everything is (or at least seems to be) under control. For many Christians, expressing anger represents a loss of control, and that’s why it must be avoided. The reasoning works like this: ?I’m afraid of my anger. I’ve hurt others in my anger. They’ve hurt me in their anger. Anger is too volatile. I can’t control it so I must avoid it. If I avoid all anger, I won’t make the mistake of misusing it.?

Avoiding anger because of the fear of losing control reveals a fundamental commitment to doing things right and not behaving in a manner that can be criticized. However, it is presumptuous to assume that anyone can always handle anger correctly. The deceitfulness of our hearts (Jeremiah 17:9) reminds us that we are hopelessly mired in our own selfish motives and cannot escape them any more than we can escape the earth’s gravitational pull.

Our fear of strong emotion catches us in a bind, for while we fear it, we also are drawn to it. We demand predictability but are quickly bored with it. We long for intensity in life, but in order to enjoy it, we must be willing to give up our control of relationships. Emotions like anger that can flare out of control are often too threatening for us to risk expressing so we tend to avoid them and settle for passionless predictability. In doing so, we seriously hamper our ability to respond in a healthy way with the full range of emotions that God has given to us.

Third, we sometimes avoid anger because we haven’t learned how to be angry about the things that God gets angry about. Many Christians grew up in homes where healthy anger was seldom observed. All anger was vilified and viewed as sin that needed to be confessed and avoided. We were taught that any display of anger was wrong — that we ?shouldn’t feel that way.? The message was clear whether it was verbalized or observed: Anger is unacceptable and intolerable. The threatened loss of relationships because of our anger served to ?keep us in line.?

By avoiding all anger, some Christians may feel they are honoring God, when in fact they are failing to obey His command to be angry but don’t sin (Ephesians 4:26). Anger and sin are not synonymous. While much of our anger is self-serving and sinful, the text makes a clear assumption that an expression of anger that serves God’s purposes is not sinful.

If we recognize a tendency in ourselves to refuse to get angry about anything, we must ask ourselves a painful question: Have we lost our sense of deep conviction about truth? God expresses tough words against those who claim to know Him and are committed to passionless mediocrity (Revelation 3:16).

Fourth, Christians avoid anger for fear of being characterized as angry people. Because Christians are often portrayed in the media as angry and narrow-minded, we tend to shy away from even healthy displays of anger. In an age where tolerance is heralded as the supreme standard of ?going along to get along,? standing against something or someone, even for good reasons, draws a crowd of critics. Even in the Christian community, anger is viewed more as a vice that must be avoided than a virtue to be cultivated. To boldly stand with conviction for God, means you must also be willing to stand against something (Romans 12:9) and expressing anger against something can be counter-cultural.

We must admit that Christians do mishandle anger. We’re often guilty of getting more angry about someone else’s sin than our own. However, the cure is not to ignore either. As Jesus taught us, we need to deal with the beam protruding from our own eye before we help (not condemn) our neighbor with the speck of sawdust clouding his or her vision (Matthew 7:3-5; Luke 6:41-42). Attempts at avoiding all anger simply push anger underground. While all seems pleasant on the surface, things underneath are constantly simmering and will eventually boil over into other areas of our lives. We may disguise it with words like ?frustration? or ?stress,? but the bottom line: Unacknowledged anger is making its presence felt.

The post Why Do Christians Avoid Expressions of Anger? appeared first on Our Daily Bread Ministries Canada.

I Feel Bitter Toward My Stepchildren: What Can I Do?

Our Daily Bread — Fri, 13 Sep 2024 19:39:16 +0000

If you’ve worked hard to create a warm relationship with your stepchildren and they’ve rejected you, it’s natural to feel anger at them. If they continue to reject you, bitterness can creep in like a weed that grows overnight. You can be caught unaware and sometimes shocked by the resentment and hostility in your heart.

Because of that, the Bible tells us to deal with our bitterness so that it won’t take root and destroy an already fragile relationship (Hebrews 12:15). All of us are susceptible to bitterness, but God can transform our hearts. We can admit what’s going on inside us and, with God’s help, change from a heart of hostility to one of humility and care for your stepchildren in spite of their cold stares and defiance.

God is compassionate and cares deeply about the state of our hearts. He knows that we can’t uproot the bitterness on our own; we need Him to help us replace it with a soft heart towards our stepchildren.

Love is the answer to bitterness. You may wince at the thought of loving your stepchildren at this point. You may feel that you’ve been trying so hard and it hasn’t gotten you very far. The kind of love that the Bible talks about, though, doesn’t always include warm feelings. Biblical love is truthful, courageous, strong and always does what’s in the best interest of the other, even when love isn’t reciprocated (1 Corinthians 13:4-8). The good news from the Bible is that when we feel that we’ve given our best shot and we come up short, we can go to the source of love, God Himself and ask Him to fill us with more of His love. We can love because He loved us first (Romans 5:5; 1 John 4:19).

Because love without truth is artificial, it’s essential that we’re honest and look at the relationship with our stepchildren for what it is (1 Corinthians 13:6). We need to be upfront about the ways they’ve hurt us and how we’ve responded to that pain. We need also to be honest about the limitations of the relationship with them. Because of their wounds, they may be unable or unwilling to form the close bond with you that you desire with them. Exposing our hearts to these truths can inevitably lead us to either bitterness or sorrow.

Healthy sorrow leads to change (2 Corinthians 7:9-11). Not necessarily a change in the status of our relationships, but a change from a cold and bitter heart to one that is tender and open to God and to your stepchildren. When we feel sorrow over how we’ve been hurt, we can call out to God and trust He will care for us and heal our wounds. We no longer have to take matters into our own hands and handle our pain with bitterness and revenge. And when we repent for the ways we’ve hurt others, we’re more likely to extend to our stepchildren the love, grace and mercy that God has given us (Luke 7:47).

Another part of love is being able to genuinely look at the situation from your stepchildren’s point of view. In their eyes, you may be the one who has dashed all hope of their mom and dad getting back together. You stand in the way of uninterrupted time with their biological parent. And it’s likely that they feel disloyal to their biological parent if they get close to you. These feelings are confusing to children and often they react by pushing a stepparent away.

When you go to God for help, pray for your stepchildren, too, keeping their unique needs in mind. This is one of the most powerful and loving things we can do for them (Ephesians 6:18; 1 Thessalonians 5:17; James 5:13, 16). They are hurting and wounded people, as we are, and they need our understanding, love and mercy, just as we need God’s.

It also takes wisdom to deal with this kind of situation where two completely different perspectives clash with one another. The Bible tells us that if we ask God for wisdom, He’ll give it to us (James 1:5). We need wisdom to know what works and doesn’t work with our stepchildren. If your involvement in their lives is met with defiance, you may need to back up a little and readjust what you’re doing. Learn what speaks to them and doesn’t make them feel uncomfortable or threatened.¹ If kissing them goodnight makes them feel uncomfortable, then it’s right to stop. If gifts you buy them sit in their closet unopened or unused, then it may be wise to use your money elsewhere.

The battle with bitterness comes and goes. Some days will be better than others. But if you cling to God and know that He can turn your bitterness into a deeper love, you can accept the relationship with your stepchild for what it is now, even though it’s far from what you deeply desire. Prayer, honesty, and reliance on God for His love and wisdom can help shift your focus from having an “ideal” relationship to one of loving our stepchildren in spite of their responses. We can begin to know the joy and peace of humbly trusting in God and watching Him work in our lives and theirs.

Your actual presence most likely threatens your stepchildren, which you can’t change. If stepparents do their part by respecting their stepchildren, then the stepchildren also need to do their part by respecting the relationship you have with their mom or dad. The biological parent (your spouse) can help the situation by positioning you as his or her equal in the home, and as an adult who deserves respect. Back To Article

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How Do I Help My Children Develop Moral Values When My Ex-Spouse’s Values Are More Lax?

Our Daily Bread — Fri, 13 Sep 2024 19:39:15 +0000

Eight-year old Sally comes bounding in from her weekend with her other parent and tells you about the video she saw. As she describes certain scenes, you can feel the hair on the back of your neck standing up. You never would’ve allowed your child to see this video because of its immoral content. But the other parent sees nothing wrong with this, and you feel helpless to do anything about it. This is a nightmare for a parent who’s trying to instill good values in his or her children.

As much as they’d like to, parents can’t completely protect their children from all negative influences. ¹ Nor are there any guarantees that children will choose the right path in life. However, there are ways that a parent can help a child develop a strong moral conscience in spite of value differences with the other parent.

The starting point in nurturing your child’s conscience is to model morality. It’s not so much what parents tell their children about how to live, but what parents do that makes the most significant impact on them. Be the kind of person you want your children to be. Live a Christ-centered life — a life of truth, love, and trust in God ( 1 Peter 2:21 , 1 Corinthians 11:1 ; Titus 2:6-8 ). And when you fall short of these standards, don’t be too proud to ask your child for forgiveness. Kids often learn more from a parent’s asking for forgiveness than from a parent’s attempts to be “perfect.”

As you try to be a good example for your children, also prepare them to handle future circumstances they may face in the other parent’s home. Acknowledge that these situations are opportunities for growth and building good character. For example help your children see how some secular videos fail to support biblical values such as love, purity, and responsibility. Avoid lecturing them and bad-mouthing the other parent, but patiently help your children think through the issues they will face and the choices they may have to make in the years to come ( Proverbs 22:6 , 1 Thessalonians 5:14 ).

Not only is it important to proactively prepare your children for future situations, it is equally important to use teachable moments in everyday life to reinforce appropriate behavior. Deuteronomy 6:5-7 says, “Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” Ordinary moments with your children such as having dinner, doing yard work, or reading a bedtime story can present opportunities to instill the right values in your children.

Setting age-appropriate rules and consequences in your own home will reinforce good values. Explain the reasons behind the rules (based on biblical values) and make clear the consequences of wrong behavior. For example, lying should not be overlooked. It should be addressed and appropriate consequences enforced. By experiencing the consequences of his actions, a child realizes he needs to change his behavior or attitude. This ongoing training will continue to instill moral values in his conscience ( Proverbs 13:24 ).

Parents should not only point out when children do wrong, but they should also acknowledge and praise children for making right choices ( Proverbs 12:25 ). Applauding your child’s positive behavior strengthens a sense of right and wrong and motivates him to continue doing the right thing.

Nurture a healthy relationship with your children by spending time with them and listening to them. Parents who take time to sincerely hear their children give them a sense of value. It tells them they are loved and that their thoughts and feelings are important. Children pick up the values of the people whose love they feel. Jesus affirmed spending time with children when He said to His disciples, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these” ( Matthew 19:14 ).

Although ex-spouses may have completely different values, when you model a Christ-centered life and teach through love and discipline, your child will see a significant difference between your home and the other parent’s home. Pray earnestly that over time, the child will see the benefits of living a moral life.

This article is not addressing cases of child abuse, such as sexual or physical abuse or exposing children to pornography. It is a parent’s responsibility to report such damaging and illegal activities to the police or local children’s protective services. Back To Article

The post How Do I Help My Children Develop Moral Values When My Ex-Spouse’s Values Are More Lax? appeared first on Our Daily Bread Ministries Canada.

Help! I Feel Jealous About the Memories My New Husband and Stepchildren Shared

Our Daily Bread — Fri, 13 Sep 2024 19:39:15 +0000

You’re basking in the warmth of a great family moment, with all the children surrounding you and your spouse. Then one of your stepchildren interrupts with, “Dad, remember when you used to rock me to sleep with my special teddy bear when I had a bad dream? Those were great times, weren’t they?”

Your spouse responds, “Yes, honey, I remember. Those were special times.” He leans over and gives the child a kiss on the forehead.

In families that haven’t been shattered by divorce, this exchange between father and child is welcomed. But it can be a different story in a blended family. A fond memory that brings delight for one family member can also create a sense of isolation for another.

When unshared memories break into conversation, the stepparent can actually feel like an outsider looking in on another family. It can escalate to feeling unwanted or unneeded. These feelings can, in turn, lead to jealousy.

There are at least four things a stepparent can do to address jealous feelings because of memories shared by only one side of the family.

Don’t act on your jealous feelings. Acknowledge that you have jealous feelings, but realize that these are feelings that you shouldn’t act on. Giving in to jealousy will only increase the tension you feel. Manage your feelings and don’t let them direct your actions toward your stepchildren or your spouse. It will only harm these relationships. As servants of Christ, we’re to pray for the strength to put aside our needs for the moment and allow another’s needs to be met. “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others” ( Philippians 2:4 ).

Share your feelings with your spouse. Talking with your spouse can help your feelings of being left out, especially if your spouse listens without judging you. Some, though, hold their feelings, which seems to make them take on a life and reality of their own. Keeping your emotion bottled up inside can distort your perspective. Speaking “the truth in love,” however, can help prevent a warped perspective from developing, and encourage deeper sharing and intimacy between you and your spouse ( Ephesians 4:15 ).

Build your own memories. Good memories are essential for building closeness between family members. They make us feel affirmed and warm toward each other. In the same way, we have shared memories with our heavenly Father. We remember what He has done for us so that we can continue a close and trusting relationship with Him ( Psalm 105:5 ).

Some of the ways parents can give stepchildren happy memories is through special family rituals, vacations, and new family traditions. Holidays and birthdays are great opportunities to create unique family ties, but even ordinary moments can also become special to children (i.e. riding bikes together, reading by the fire, eating popcorn and watching a movie.) Remember these good times through taking home videos, photographs, or simply reminiscing together.

Recognize the importance of a stepchild to reminisce with his or her parent. Just as it is important for your blended family to build new memories, it is crucial that children stay connected to their parents through old memories. Children love to remember what it was like when they were little, and that need is magnified in a blended family. Because their family was torn apart, they desperately try to piece it back together so it won’t be erased. These memories give them a sense of stability by remembering how they were loved. God, too, compassionately chronicles who we are and how we’ve been loved. 1 John 3:1 reminds us, “How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!. . .” In this way, the Bible is a memory book of God’s great love for us.

At times you will feel close to your stepchildren, but at other times you’ll seem disconnected because of memories that you don’t share. This is a difficult, yet natural part of being in a stepfamily. Putting aside jealous feelings for the moment, talking to your spouse, building new memories, and valuing memories shared between parents and children can give you the freedom to grow and bond together into a healthy blended family.

The post Help! I Feel Jealous About the Memories My New Husband and Stepchildren Shared appeared first on Our Daily Bread Ministries Canada.

How Should I Deal with the Impact of Rejection in My Life?

Our Daily Bread — Fri, 13 Sep 2024 19:39:14 +0000

When we feel the blow of major rejection — like the unfaithfulness of a mate, the wound of a family member, or the betrayal of a close friend — we may wonder if we will ever find someone who will love us again.

In an emotional trauma, we try to make sense of our pain. There’s a constant drive to understand and explain why this agony is happening. During this time we can be tempted to respond to rejection in unhealthy ways. We can develop a contempt for ourselves, a contempt for others, a contempt for God, or a combination of all three.

In self-contempt, we take the full responsibility for the failure of the relationship. We wonder, What is it about me that causes people to leave me? We doubt our value as a person, and everything about us is called into question. Doubts of our ability to maintain a loving relationship trouble us. We think, They must have seen something so repulsive in me that no one can love me. Facing the rejection of a spouse, for example, can be especially difficult when you see other couples staying together through devastating experiences. We wonder why our own relationship could not stand the test of trials.

Contempt for others is another response we might use to try and make some sense of our pain. It holds others as fully responsible for the dynamics in the relationship. We view them as evil. We write them off with, “It’s all their fault.” Or we might put distance between others and ourselves and view them with contempt. We avoid close relationships because we believe that no one can be trusted.

Contempt for God blames Him for our pain. We reason that if He is in control of our lives and He loves us, why didn’t He protect us from this heart-breaking experience? Those who have been rejected and abused by their parents as children, in particular, can tend to blame an all-powerful God for their suffering. Rejection and loss causes us to doubt that God loves us because we are angry with Him for not protecting us and allowing it to happen.

At first, contempt for ourselves, others, and God works for us. It helps us maintain the facade that we have everything under control because we have “explained” the reason for the pain. We can now go on with our lives, fixing what we can about ourselves and keeping everyone (including God) at a distance. This drive to control our world is so strong that we would rather hate ourselves (self-contempt) than be faced with the fact that we are not in control and that we may be hurt again.

What sounds good about contempt is that it does not require facing additional pain. It avoids grieving losses. It sedates the heart and it keeps others from getting too close. That sounds inviting to a hurting person, but if we nurture contempt, it will lead to depression, loneliness, and bitterness.

We are desperately afraid, because to love again we must risk being vulnerable and admit that we do care, no matter how hard we try to numb our hearts. When we are at the end of our rope and we begin to realize that contempt no longer works for us, we can choose a better way of dealing with life. Letting others get close to us and learning to trust again leads us through the process of grief. For a person who has been hurt, grieving may sound like a sadistic choice. But grief will lead us down the path to restoring our faith, embracing hope, and opening ourselves up to love.

Grieving is important because it provokes us to cry out to God, and thereby to open ourselves to His healing ( Psalm 34:17 ). He is ultimately the One who can give us comfort and protection ( Psalm 61:3; Matthew 5:4 ). When we grieve, we face the truth that we have been deeply hurt and there is something lacking. There is a hole in our hearts that hurts terribly.

It may not feel like it at first, but healing begins when we face the sadness and disappointment of the loss of our hopes and dreams. We tend to avoid our feelings (i.e. deep sadness) because we are afraid that they will consume us, that we will never find comfort. But if we act in faith and “throw ourselves” on the Lord in dependence and cry out to Him, He will be the rock that saves us from the overwhelming waves of pain ( Psalm 34:18 ). God’s comfort gives us hope — hope for a brighter future and for love again. Life without hope is not worth living. Scripture says that God will fill us with hope ( Romans 15:13 ). It also recognizes the vitality and necessity of hope (Psalm 119:116; 147:11 ).

The process of growth is difficult because it engages us in an agonizing battle between faith and doubt. When doubt begins to get the best of us, we will be tempted to give up. Contempt will seduce us as we fight through intense emotion and questions. Ironically, resisting contempt and entering into this dark valley of emotion is when we can begin to see our faith deepen.

When we see our faith deepen and we are reminded of how God is working in our lives, hope grows. Hope gives us the motivation to love, which is the most important element in the believer’s life ( Matthew 22:37-40; 1 Corinthians 13:13 ). Love will open our hearts to hear the truth about our strengths and shortcomings ( 1 Corinthians 13:6 ). Love will soften our hearts for others, cultivate forgiveness, and help us face the beams in our own eyes before we look at the specks in the eyes of our brothers or sisters ( Matthew 7:3-5 ).

We can’t fight this battle alone. We need to talk to strong Christian friends who can remind us of the truth of God’s love for us. It’s important to have friends who will give us freedom and support as we grapple with our doubts and fierce emotion. We may need to seek the help of a good biblical counselor during this rough time. And filling our minds with the truth of God’s Word will strengthen us. Meditating on Scripture will equip us and cause our faith to grow.

Unhealthy responses to the pain of rejection inhibit a life of joy, peace, and love. But responding to rejection in a healthy manner, by honestly grieving and crying out to God, can strengthen our character, deepen our faith, and allow God to change and heal our hearts. We can learn to embrace a hopeful vision that God is up to something good in our lives, even in the midst of heart-breaking rejection ( Romans 8:28 ).

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Is It Normal to Not Want to Marry Again After the Loss of a Spouse?

Our Daily Bread — Fri, 13 Sep 2024 19:39:12 +0000

There is nothing wrong with feeling like you don’t want to ever remarry. Remarriage after a loss is certainly not required. In fact, too often people quickly jump into another relationship. They attach themselves to someone else so as to avoid facing their own loneliness and singleness. God, though, may want to use that time to draw them into a deeper, more intimate relationship with Himself.

The loneliness after the loss of someone you deeply loved can be both difficult and good. It is difficult in that you deeply miss your mate. You no longer feel whole because you miss your “other half.” Everywhere you turn you are reminded of their absence. And you begin to realize just how deeply they touched every aspect of your life. Their absence leaves a gaping hole in your heart.

At the same time, this loneliness and grief can be good because the absence of the love of your life pushes you into areas of your heart that you’d just as soon avoid. This is the conclusion of the writer of Ecclesiastes:

It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart (Ecclesiastes 7:2).

It also is good because in those times of solitude God invites you to cling to Him in ways you never thought possible or necessary. Sorrow, grief, and loneliness pry open the heart to the deeper groaning of the soul that is often eclipsed by the normal day-to-day business of life. It is this groaning that reflects a core and chronic dissatisfaction with life on this planet “under the sun” ( Ecclesiastes 1:13-14 ) and entices us to long for heaven ( Romans 8:23 ).

Not only is this a time for sorrow and grief, but also a time for living and hope. God is not finished with you. You didn’t die. God still has plans for you and that’s why you’re still here. There is more living and loving to do. While that loving may not mean another marriage, it does mean refusing to become a recluse by withdrawing from relationships with family and friends.

Many grandparents who lose a spouse often refuse to accept invitations to spend extended times with their children and grandchildren because they don’t want to be a burden to them. However, the opposite is often the case. The invitations from children are not invitations to invade their lives. Instead, they are invitations for the remaining parent to be more involved in their lives. Remember, they too lost someone very special to them — their mother or father. Sharing your life with them gives them time to heal while reaffirming their love for you. This investment in those who are living reaffirms God’s reason for you being alive.

To go on with life often feels like you are ignoring the loss of your mate. But running out to take care of the necessities and then quickly returning home where you feel safe can be a refusal to move on with your life. Times of solitude are an important part of developing a more passionate relationship with Christ, but engaging in life with your children, grandchildren, and mutual friends can renew the joy of living. You can find great fulfillment by investing your life in the lives of others that both you and your spouse loved.

Please don’t feel guilty about enjoying life without your spouse. You are not betraying your love for him or her by having a wonderful meal, laughing again, or delighting in your grandchildren. Rather, it demonstrates that you recognize life is a precious gift from God. And you know your spouse would want you to please the Lord by living to the fullest extent possible.

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Can I be a Christian and still struggle with impure thoughts?

Our Daily Bread — Fri, 13 Sep 2024 19:13:27 +0000

The Bible says that becoming a follower of Christ is like a dead person coming to life.[1] Moving from spiritual death to spiritual life is a drastic change. Spiritual rebirth makes it possible for us to consciously share God’s love and partner with Him in bringing about his kingdom. Although spiritual rebirth brings instant change, it doesn’t result in an immediate transformation. We are too deeply flawed for an instant cure. When we choose to follow Christ, a process begins that will continue to the end of our lives.

Before we followed Christ we were, in a sense, like zombies—spiritually dead and driven by urges and emotions we didn’t understand. Even after we were awakened by spiritual life the same urges and emotions remained, although we were no longer entirely under their control (Galatians 5:17–21; 6:8; Ephesians 2:2–6). The New Testament uses a special term to refer to these urges and emotions: the “sinful nature.” [2]

Our natural inclination to sin continues to generate impure thoughts that are out of sorts with our new life. But these bad thoughts don’t represent our current spiritual state. They represent the death we are leaving behind.

In addition to our own natural faults and weaknesses, Satan acts as an adversary (see Job 1:7–12), “slanderer,”[3] and “accuser” (Revelation 12:10). He wants us to be obsessed with our dark thoughts. If we do, he—like a vampire—can drain away our joy and the influence of our new life.

Since we will never be completely free of lustful, unkind, and self-destructive desires in this life, we need to have realistic expectations. Experiencing a bad thought isn’t the same as hanging on to and nurturing it. Our goal shouldn’t be to eliminate bad thoughts but to be quicker to recognize and resist them when they appear. Far from indicating that our faith isn’t real, our awareness of continuing impure thoughts and unfree tendencies that still lurk within us proves that we are being transformed. If we weren’t becoming more spiritually aware, we wouldn’t even recognize the lingering shadows of spiritual death. First John 1:8 says, “If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth,” and the apostle Paul describes his continuing struggle with sin (Romans 7:15–25).

In fact, it is important that we recognize the wrong within. If we didn’t recognize the impurity that still remained in us, we might be drawn into the most dangerous sin of all—spiritual pride.

[1] John 5:21; Romans 6:13; 8:11; Ephesians 2:1–3; 5:14; Colossians 2:13

[2] In the New Testament the Greek term, sarx, often translated “flesh,” occasionally refers to the body, but most often refers to the destructive, death-prone tendencies within us. These tendencies still reside in us even after conversion, while we are moving from spiritual death to spiritual life. Paul calls it the “law of sin at work within me” in Romans 7:23 (niv). The Bible calls this the “sinful nature” in Romans 7:18 and 7:25.

[3] The name “devil” is from the Greek word diabolos, meaning “slanderer, false accuser.”

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Why doesn’t God just forgive everyone?

Our Daily Bread — Fri, 13 Sep 2024 19:13:26 +0000

I’ve often wondered something similar myself. “Why doesn’t God save everyone?” After all, he has the power to do so.

Did you know that some Christians do believe that God saves everyone … eventually?

Saving everyone would entail forgiving everyone. But not everyone is truly sorry for their sins. Some people show no remorse for their sins or even acknowledge that they have sinned against others and God. How can God forgive the unrepentant? Some people talk as though forgiveness doesn’t require repentance, like when we speak of forgiving unrepentant abusive parents or violent terrorists. But it seems best to me to keep those concepts—forgiveness and repentance—connected while acknowledging that something else is going on in the cases just mentioned.

My husband (a philosophy professor) and I have often discussed this question. He offers this example. Suppose a parent offers to forgive a child for a particular misdeed, yet the child keeps sinning against the parent with no remorse. The relationship between the parent and the child is still fractured even though the parent extended forgiveness to the child. The parent desires an intimate, joy-filled relationship exemplifying reconciliation. God is like that parent.

God is good, beautiful, and full of compassion (Psalm 136:1). Forgiveness through Jesus Christ is for all (John 3:16; 2 Peter 3:9), but not all of us have it. Some of us continue to arrogantly resist God because we think we know better than God. Like Satan, we desire to be God (see Isaiah 14:12–15; Matthew 4).

But some say that in the end, even if people experience hell, they’ll have a chance to escape hell. Furthermore, they claim God’s love is irresistible and unconditional, so the unrepentant in this life cannot help but be wooed and so repent even after death. As for me, I’m inclined to think that some will stubbornly resist God in this life and in the next.

This question leads to many other theological questions about the nature of hell, the problem of evil, and the salvation of people such as babies, the intellectually disabled, and others who cannot understand the propositions of the gospel. There is quite a bit I don’t know about this topic. But I do know God is loving, compassionate, and just. And I truly trust him to judge rightly.

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Did Jesus rise from the dead?

Our Daily Bread — Fri, 13 Sep 2024 19:13:26 +0000

Every question deserves consideration. But some questions are foundational to all the rest.

The resurrection of Jesus is one of these foundational questions. Did he really rise from the dead? The answer has huge implications for the way we set our goals or find meaning in life. The apostle Paul wrote:

“(I)f Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile and you are still in your sins. Then those also who have fallen asleep in Christ have perished. If in this life only we have hoped in Christ, we are of all people most to be pitied.” (1 Corinthians 15:17–19 ESV)

Documents written during the lifetime of witnesses to his resurrection described the events that preceded and followed it. Jewish law required Jesus’s body to be properly buried. His enemies took precautions to assure it wouldn’t be stolen (Matthew 27:62–66). Yet according to detailed accounts in the Gospels, Jesus’s tomb was empty on Sunday morning. Had Jesus’s enemies been able, they would have produced his body to refute claims of his resurrection.

It is remarkable that women were the first to visit the tomb, a fact that wouldn’t have been mentioned if the account were “invented.”[1] The next witnesses were disciples who had abandoned Jesus when he was arrested. Then there are fascinating details, like the description of his body wrappings in the grave.[2]

On the morning of Jesus’s resurrection and during the following days and weeks many witnesses reported personal encounters with him (Luke 24; John 20–21). In fact, 55 days later, Peter proclaimed Jesus’s resurrection to thousands of Jewish pilgrims in the vicinity of the Temple. In letters written just 20 to 25 years later, Paul affirmed the Gospel accounts, noting that Jesus appeared to his brother James, to all the rest of the apostles (1 Corinthians 15:3–8), and to an assembled group of over 500 men and women. Many of those witnesses were still alive when Paul made his claim.

Testimony like this seems impossible to explain if Jesus’s resurrection didn’t occur. Why were friends who had abandoned him and hid from the authorities when he was arrested suddenly willing to risk their lives by testifying that he was still alive? No matter how absurd their claims seemed, early Christians were ready to confirm their faith in Jesus’s death and resurrection in the face of persecution and death (1 Corinthians 1:20–25).[3]

False messiahs preceded and followed Jesus’ life and ministry. Their credibility ended with their deaths. There is no historical precedent or parallel for such faith in the resurrection of a man who had died.

[1] At the time the Gospels were written, there was a strong prejudice against women as witnesses. They were viewed as too emotional and irrational to be reliable. This prejudice was so strong that women were generally not admissible as witnesses in Jewish courts.

[2] The folded head cloth in John 20:7 is itself an amazing piece of evidence, as described by William Barclay: “For the moment Peter was only amazed at the empty tomb; but then things began to happen in John’s mind. If someone had removed Jesus’ body, if tomb-robbers had been at work, why should they leave the grave clothes? And then something else struck John—the grave clothes were not disheveled and disarranged; they were lying there still in their folds—that is what the Greek means—the clothes for the body where the body had been; the napkin where the head had lain. The whole point of the description is that the grave clothes did not look as if they had been put off or taken off; they were lying there in their regular folds as if the body of Jesus had simply evaporated out of them and left them lying. The sight suddenly penetrated to John’s mind; he realized that had happened—and he believed. It was not what John read in scripture which convinced him that Jesus had risen; it was what with his own eyes he saw.” (The Gospel of John, Vol. 2)

[3] One of the many New Testament scholars who have been convinced by the historical evidence for Jesus’s resurrection, N. T. Wright, wrote a book that describes, among other things, the serious problems that arise when one tries to explain early Christian faith on the basis of visions and hallucinations. This is his summary of the evidence: “Historical argument alone cannot force anyone to believe that Jesus was raised from the dead; but historical argument is remarkably good at clearing away the undergrowth behind which skepticisms of various sorts have been hiding. The proposal that Jesus was bodily raised from the dead possesses unrivalled power to explain the historical data at the heart of early Christianity.” (The Resurrection of the Son of God, p. 718)

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