Because of that, the Bible tells us to deal with our bitterness so that it won’t take root and destroy an already fragile relationship (Hebrews 12:15).  All of us are susceptible to bitterness, but God can transform our hearts. We can admit what’s going on inside us and, with God’s help, change from a heart of hostility to one of humility and care for your stepchildren in spite of their cold stares and defiance.

God is compassionate and cares deeply about the state of our hearts. He knows that we can’t uproot the bitterness on our own; we need Him to help us replace it with a soft heart towards our stepchildren.

Love is the answer to bitterness. You may wince at the thought of loving your stepchildren at this point. You may feel that you’ve been trying so hard and it hasn’t gotten you very far. The kind of love that the Bible talks about, though, doesn’t always include warm feelings. Biblical love is truthful, courageous, strong and always does what’s in the best interest of the other, even when love isn’t reciprocated (1 Corinthians 13:4-8). The good news from the Bible is that when we feel that we’ve given our best shot and we come up short, we can go to the source of love, God Himself and ask Him to fill us with more of His love. We can love because He loved us first (Romans 5:5; 1 John 4:19).

Because love without truth is artificial, it’s essential that we’re honest and look at the relationship with our stepchildren for what it is (1 Corinthians 13:6). We need to be upfront about the ways they’ve hurt us and how we’ve responded to that pain. We need also to be honest about the limitations of the relationship with them. Because of their wounds, they may be unable or unwilling to form the close bond with you that you desire with them. Exposing our hearts to these truths can inevitably lead us to either bitterness or sorrow.

Healthy sorrow leads to change (2 Corinthians 7:9-11). Not necessarily a change in the status of our relationships, but a change from a cold and bitter heart to one that is tender and open to God and to your stepchildren. When we feel sorrow over how we’ve been hurt, we can call out to God and trust He will care for us and heal our wounds.  We no longer have to take matters into our own hands and handle our pain with bitterness and revenge. And when we repent for the ways we’ve hurt others, we’re more likely to extend to our stepchildren the love, grace and mercy that God has given us (Luke 7:47).

Another part of love is being able to genuinely look at the situation from your stepchildren’s point of view. In their eyes, you may be the one who has dashed all hope of their mom and dad getting back together. You stand in the way of uninterrupted time with their biological parent. And it’s likely that they feel disloyal to their biological parent if they get close to you. These feelings are confusing to children and often they react by pushing a stepparent away.

When you go to God for help, pray for your stepchildren, too, keeping their unique needs in mind. This is one of the most powerful and loving things we can do for them (Ephesians 6:18; 1 Thessalonians 5:17; James 5:13, 16).  They are hurting and wounded people, as we are, and they need our understanding, love and mercy, just as we need God’s.

It also takes wisdom to deal with this kind of situation where two completely different perspectives clash with one another. The Bible tells us that if we ask God for wisdom, He’ll give it to us (James 1:5). We need wisdom to know what works and doesn’t work with our stepchildren. If your involvement in their lives is met with defiance, you may need to back up a little and readjust what you’re doing. Learn what speaks to them and doesn’t make them feel uncomfortable or threatened.¹ If kissing them goodnight makes them feel uncomfortable, then it’s right to stop. If gifts you buy them sit in their closet unopened or unused, then it may be wise to use your money elsewhere.

The battle with bitterness comes and goes. Some days will be better than others. But if you cling to God and know that He can turn your bitterness into a deeper love, you can accept the relationship with your stepchild for what it is now, even though it’s far from what you deeply desire. Prayer, honesty, and reliance on God for His love and wisdom can help shift your focus from having an “ideal” relationship to one of loving our stepchildren in spite of their responses. We can begin to know the joy and peace of humbly trusting in God and watching Him work in our lives and theirs.

1. Your actual presence most likely threatens your stepchildren, which you can’t change. If stepparents do their part by respecting their stepchildren, then the stepchildren also need to do their part by respecting the relationship you have with their mom or dad. The biological parent (your spouse) can help the situation by positioning you as his or her equal in the home, and as an adult who deserves respect. Back To Article

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Love is doing what is in the best interest of others. It is doing good for others, while never compromising or disrespecting the worth of another. Where there is love, there is mutual freedom of expression, choice, healthy boundaries, friendliness, and respect, which are necessary for the happiest of homes.

Every family member has significance and value. Children should respect and obey their parents (Ephesians 6:3-4; Proverbs 3:11-12), and parents should regard their children with high esteem (Psalm 127:3). Discipline should be done in a way that respects the child and honors them. Otherwise, children can grow to be angry (Ephesians 6:4).

A husband and a wife need to model love and respect by how they treat one another. They should seek to meet each other’s needs, without losing sight of their own needs (Philippians 2:4). They work with, not against, one another. They’re free to be honest with each other and do kind favors for the other. They love each other as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:2, 25).

A husband and a wife, as spouses and parents, are in a key position to set the tone of their homes. They have the ability to either create an atmosphere of power, control, fear, and hostility, or they can set the stage for a safe, loving, cooperative, and respectful home.

A happy home is not problem-free. But it is one where, for the most part, family members enjoy one another, cooperate with each other, and have a sense of camaraderie. And it’s where mutual respect between all family members guides behavior and interactions. In a happy, healthy home, love is the rule, not the exception.

The post How Can My Family Be Happier?   appeared first on Our Daily Bread Ministries Canada.

¹ often have bigger obstacles to face than others. For instance, the quality of the relationship between the stepparent and the stepchildren has a big impact on the level of happiness in a blended family. Loyalty issues with the biological children and knowing how to discipline also add major complications.

To meet these challenges well, a husband and wife must make their relationship to each other the top priority ( Genesis 2:24 ). All efforts toward a happy home are useless if you don’t consider your spouse’s feelings and make decisions together. A spouse whose feelings are ignored will begin to feel neglected, insecure, and unloved, which creates unhappiness. It’s important for spouses to discuss everything and make decisions only after they have come to an agreement.

It takes a lot of time to build loving relationships in a blended family. Emotional bonds don’t happen overnight, and it’s unrealistic to think that a stepparent and a stepchild will automatically hit it off. Sometimes that happens, but more often than not, it takes years to develop a more normal parent-child attachment. Be patient when it comes to developing close relationships with your stepchildren ( Proverbs 19:11; Colossians 3:12 ). Also be realistic enough to recognize that sometimes the kind of affection you long for never develops. Nevertheless, stepparents need to respect and accept their spouse’s children, not seek to force an immediate close relationship. That respect and acceptance often turns out to be the foundation of the relationship you desire.

As your husband or wife gets to know your children, they will begin to see things in them that you may have overlooked. Be open to your spouse’s judgment about your children. You may feel threatened to hear something negative about them, but listening to your spouse shows respect. Valuing these insights indicates that you respect your spouse’s important role in the family. Honoring his or her opinion may even help solve some of the discipline or relationship problems you may have with your children. It’s natural to feel protective; but those protective feelings could lead you to reject valuable observations, which can in turn lead to heated disagreements over the children ( 2 Timothy 2:22-26 ). When that protective instinct is turned on, admit it to your spouse and talk about it. If you are open about your feelings, you can develop deeper trust and intimacy with your spouse ( 1 Corinthians 13:6; Ephesians 4:15; James 5:16 ). Remember that it’s not you against your spouse; it’s you and your spouse, together, trying to find the best way to raise the children that God has given you ( Proverbs 1:8 ).

Both the natural parent and stepparent ² are responsible for the guidance of the children ( Proverbs 13:24; 23:13; Ephesians 6:1,4 ). If you love your children (or stepchildren) you will lead and train them. Neglecting to help prepare them for life is a failure to love. Biological parents, in their own way, need to make it known to their kids that the stepparent has equal authority so that there is a strong united front. It’s vitally important for the kids to know that there is agreement between you, and that each of you has the same authority over them.

Blended families have just as much hope for happiness through good relationships as traditional families. They need to recognize that their unique situation has unique challenges, and that those challenges are best met when they have built a strong, God-honoring marriage. (See the ATQ article Who Should Come First in My Stepfamily: My Spouse or My Children?)

1. A blended family is one where one or both spouses have children from previous relationships.Back To Article
2. Stepparents can have a positive influence in their stepchildren’s lives. While stepparenting is difficult at times, especially with older children, it is an important role because they are looking to you as a role model James 5:10-11. Back To Article

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