Reassure them of your love. As God comforts and gives us a sense of security by reminding us that He is our loving heavenly Father who will never leave us (Hebrews 13:5, Psalm 139:1-6), divorced parents need to give their children never-ending reassurance that they are deeply loved and taken care of. Children whose parents are divorcing fear being abandoned. They have trouble trusting that their world won’t come crashing down around them again. Because of this, divorcing parents need to repeatedly tell their children that they love them and that even though one parent is moving out, they will always be there for them. Parents who tenderly reassure their children of their continued love and commitment can do a lot to put their child’s mind and heart at ease even in the midst of divorce-turmoil. If a child doesn’t feel loved and safe, he will have a hard time facing life’s other challenges (Proverbs 13:12). Your reassurance can also plant a seed of future confidence that God will take care of them.

Not only are verbal expressions of your love important, but also working hard to show your love through your actions. Creating a stable home life is a high priority and demonstrates that your children are important to you. Try to keep most of the routines the same. For example, if at all possible, don’t change schools. If the children were involved in any school, church, or community activities before the divorce, do your best to keep them involved in those same activities. Minimizing change can help kids stay connected to their lives before divorce. Of course, some things will change, but consistent routines and maintaining the same support system (friends and family) throughout the experience can help children cope better with the emotional pain and confusion.

Another important principle from the Bible is that that we can be honest and open about our feelings. This honest expression of our true emotions can set us free from unhealthy patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving (Psalms 107:6, 13, 19, 28; 118:5). Children who go through the divorce of their parents experience an assortment of emotions such as anger, sadness, and guilt. Keeping these feelings inside inhibits children from growing. It also creates tension within them and they “act out” what they’re feeling, usually in unhealthy ways. The problem is that it’s difficult for many children to know what they’re feeling and to recognize how their feelings influence their behavior. Parents can help their children by encouraging (not forcing) them to express their emotions through talking, art, music, or some other form of communication. Then talk together about the feelings and connect them to their behavior (“You hit your brother because you felt angry”). Help the child see that there are better ways to cope with the emotion (“Let’s talk about some other ways you can express your anger”). At times, a child can hide his feelings to the extent that the parent can’t make the connection between the emotion and the behavior. It’s at this point that many parents have benefited from seeking the help and advice of a counselor or a psychologist.

Every divorce is different. But they produce common problems: fear of abandonment, adjustment issues, and difficulty in communicating feelings. Parents who express their love to their children through reassurance, stability, and giving them the freedom and opportunity to express their feelings can help their children cope with the turmoil of divorce.

Recommended Reading:

1. Helping Your Kids Cope With Divorce The Sandcastle’s Way by M. Gary Neuman, L.M.H.C. with Patricia Romanowski (Random House, 1998.)

2. Good Parenting Through Your Divorce by Mary Ellen Hannibal (Marlowe & Company, New York)

Little else rivals the agony many parents feel when they learn that their adult child is living a homosexual lifestyle. Most feel stunned, confused, hurt, and ashamed.

The most important thing parents can do is to continue caring without condoning their child’s choices. One of the worst things they can do is to reject and cut off their relationship with their adult child out of their own embarrassment or shame. The Bible is clear that love “endures all things” and “never fails”(1 Corinthians 13:7-8).

The process of loving an adult child who has chosen to live a homosexual lifestyle raises many troubling situations. For example, many parents are confronted with the difficult situation of whether or not to “accept” their child’s homosexual partner. They fear that they are condoning homosexuality if they do. Responding to this kind of situation partially depends on what is meant by “acceptance.” Parents will compromise their morals if they think that acceptance means approving the homosexual relationship. They should always continue to love their child, but they should never confuse unconditional love with unconditional approval. God unconditionally loves us, but He doesn’t unconditionally approve of everything we do.

Loving parents will not approve of what they know is wrong and detrimental to their son or daughter. Yet, even as they disapprove, caring parents will not write their children off or push them away. Parents can demonstrate unconditional love by treating their son or daughter as well as the homosexual partner in a loving and respectful manner. They can have courteous dialogue or have them for dinner in their home if the civility is reciprocal. But it’s important that the parents clearly communicate that their kindness does not imply approval. Rather, it implies a deep concern that sees past the symptom of homosexuality to the pain and sin that lies underneath, and a deep belief that change is possible.

Focusing on what your child is saying involves nonjudgmentally repeating back to him what you hear him saying, empathizing with his feelings, not criticizing him, and not being too anxious to give advice until he feels understood.

The following is an example of a conversation that can digress into pushing an adolescent away, causing distance between parent and teen.

Bridge-burning:

Parent:  “Why are you getting a failing grade in science?”

Teen:  “I hate that class. It’s so stupid, the teacher is an idiot.”

Parent: “Sounds like to me that you have a pretty bad attitude. Your teacher is there to help you, she’s not an idiot.”

Teen:  “I turned in an assignment late and she marked me down one letter grade!  That’s how stupid she is.”

Parent:  “Well that’s what you get for procrastinating and being so unorganized! You’re grounded for a week.”

Does this example mean that questions like “Why are you getting a failing grade?” or statements such as “Your attitude is bad” are inappropriate for a parent to say to a child?  Of course not. There are times when it would be negligent not to speak the truth to a teen who’s showing a pattern of negative thinking and behaving (Proverbs 13:24; Ephesians 4:15). Without your teaching, he or she most likely will continue down this destructive path. Parents should continue to give clear direction and guidance to their teens until they become adults.

The problem isn’t having an occasional negative discussion. If parents are doing a decent job of guiding their teen, heated disagreements are common. So it’s not a matter of having the “perfect” dialogue. But when negative conversations become a pattern of relating to our teenagers, when more often than not, our teen stomps off angry and we’re left feeling disappointed, walls are built, instead of bridges. Parents become more frustrated and teens feel misunderstood and disconnected from us (Ephesians 6:4; James 1:19).

Here is an example of a bridge-building conversation that can help an adolescent feel heard and understood. This is merely an illustration, not a script guaranteeing a conflict-free conversation. But it can give parents an idea how to better communicate care to their teens (Ephesians 4:29).

Bridge-building:

Parent:  “I noticed that you’re struggling in science.  Can you tell me about that class? What’s it like for you?”

Teen:  “I hate that class. It’s so stupid, the teacher is an idiot.”

Parent: “It sounds like you’re really struggling, especially with your teacher.”

Teen: “I turned in an assignment late and she marked me down one letter grade!  That’s how stupid she is.”

Parent:  “I’m sorry that happened.”

Teen: “Whatever. I hate science and I always will. I’m just dumb I guess.”

Parent: “It sounds like you’re really frustrated with this class. But believe me, you’re anything but dumb. I think you have what it takes to make it in this class. If you want to talk about how to get that grade up, just let me know. I may have some ideas for you.”

A teen is more likely to feel heard and be open to further discussion as a result of this type of conversation.

Empathic listening isn’t the only answer to all problems we face with teens, but many of us parents could probably use it more than we do. And if you feel you’ve done more bridge-burning than bridge-building with your teen, and he seems to drift further away from you, it’s not too late to, in the course of a conversation, turn things around and start listening. It sounds simple, but it can actually have a terrific payoff in your relationship.

“He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him” (Proverbs 13:24 NIV).

Tragically, this scriptural principle has been taken out of context to justify “discipline” that is wrongly understood, wrongly motivated, and wrongly administered. I have seen parents “spank” a toddler with 50 hard swats of a plastic sandal. Why? They were upset that the child had a “defiant” look on his face. I have met adults who thought it appropriate to spank a 10-month-old baby for crying. One of my mentors was “disciplined” as a teenager by having his hands beaten with a rod so severely that they were misshapen and crippled in adult life.

Before a parent administers discipline, he or she needs to understand its purpose. Proverbs makes it clear that the purpose of discipline isn’t enhancement of a parent’s sense of power or an easier life for a parent who doesn’t want to be awakened by a hungry baby. Nor is proper discipline an opportunity for a parent to use a child as a scapegoat for personal anger and frustration. The purpose of discipline is the well-being of the child. A loving parent administers discipline because he knows that if he doesn’t do so, life will teach his child the same lessons later in a harsher fashion.

“Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death” (Proverbs 19:18 NIV).

“Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death” (Proverbs 23:13-14 NIV).

“The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother. When the wicked thrive, so does sin, but the righteous will see their downfall. Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul” (Proverbs 29:15-17 NIV).

The model for healthy discipline is a heavenly Father who disciplines His children in love. In Psalm 23, David describes the security he derives from God’s “rod and staff.”

“He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows” (Psalm 23:2-5).

In the hands of a good shepherd, a rod and staff are instruments of care, not cruelty.

“My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in” (Proverbs 3:11-12 NIV).

Of course, as mentioned above, the understanding and motivations of human parents are sometimes misguided and sometimes evil. This means that parental discipline should be tempered by humility and self-examination:

“And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4 NKJV).

Parents need to examine the purity of their motives. Discipline in the heat of anger is dangerous, as is any severe discipline administered under stress. Parents should consciously understand that the purpose of discipline is to help children gain more insight into their behavior. Accordingly, discipline should be appropriate to age and circumstance.

Regardless of the care with which discipline is administered, people who undergo discipline, whether adults disciplined by God or children disciplined by parents, are naturally inclined to resent discipline and misunderstand its loving purpose.

“Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him” (Proverbs 22:15 NIV).

Ultimately, God holds us, as His children, responsible to properly assess His motivation for discipline. If we are wise, and if our hearts are right, we will eventually realize and acknowledge that His discipline is for our good.

“And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: ‘My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.’ Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it” (Hebrews 12:5-11 NIV).

Similarly, a child’s temporary rebellion shouldn’t dissuade us from administering the discipline necessary for his healthy moral and spiritual development.

Parents find this task more perplexing when a blossoming adult child begins to make extreme lifestyle choices that are clearly rebellious and destructive. All young adults will make some poor choices. Many will have moments of rebellion. But loving parents may need to consider withdrawing financial support when the rebellion is extreme and out of control. No parent would enjoy doing this, but a mom and dad can offer tough love by cutting off financial assistance to a son or daughter who is abusing drugs or living with and engaging in sex with a boyfriend or girlfriend or refusing to work.

Parents facing this situation will struggle with their own frustration and anger, but these feelings shouldn’t be what motivates them to pull the plug on financial support. What should motivate them is the realization that it’s not loving to support someone’s sin. It is the realization that their children won’t grow up if they don’t learn to take responsibility for themselves.

For example, enabling a 20-year-old daughter to live with her boyfriend by paying for some of her bills is not in her best interest. Therefore, it’s not love. At the same time, a loving response also says,Even though we won’t support your sin, we will not pull away from you. We will continue to care about you, see you, and long for you to come to home and submit yourself to our rules. And we will be open to discuss anything we’ve done wrong that has hurt you.

Parents can go a long way in helping their adult child by attempting to understand any way in which they may have contributed to the problems in the relationship. Sometimes a part of the reason a young adult child chooses to rebel is to make a parent pay for hurting or disappointing him or her. The sin of parents never excuses the choice of a young adult child, but parents would do well by remaining open to how they may have knowingly or unknowingly provoked their children to anger (Ephesians 6:4).

Parents who aren’t willing to see if there is a log in their own eye (Matthew 7:3-5) are in danger of pushing their late teenager or an early twenty year old farther away from them and God. Those, however, who unite tough love with a willingness to take responsibility for any wrongs they committed can begin to know the sweet taste of reconciliation when both sides own up to their sin and forgive one another.

It’s natural for parents to feel protective of their children. But parents who have gone through a life-shattering divorce feel especially protective. They don’t want their children to hurt anymore, or to fear losing them again. For that reason, putting a new spouse first can feel like they are betraying their children.

Children need to know you love them and that you will always be there for them. Just as important, they need the security of a stable home. A healthy marriage gives children that security, because when a husband and a wife are looking out for each other’s interests, they will also look out for the best interests of the children.

Putting your spouse first never means that you neglect or abuse your children. And it certainly doesn’t mean that you allow a new spouse to neglect or abuse the children. Even something like showing favoritism, which is natural to do, should be talked about and addressed in a blended family. Ignoring unfair treatment is wrong (Romans 12:9). Parents are always responsible to provide loving, secure, healthy, and safe homes for their children to grow (Proverbs 14:26).

It’s important for husbands and wives to consider one another’s feelings and opinions. They need to stick together and head in the same direction as a couple and as parents. They should pursue each other and show deep care and respect for one another. A caring and loving spouse knows that what affects them, affects their spouse and the children. Happy marriages are loving, respectful, and considerate (Ephesians 5:21-33).

A good marriage not only gives children the security of a stable home, but it also gives them a positive example of what God intended a marriage to be. They will learn about love, confession, forgiveness, accountability, responsibility, and honesty. Parents who love one another deeply help their children develop realistic expectations about what it takes to build a strong marriage. Children need that kind of example to give them hope for their own futures.