But since you are in this position, I’d like to share with you some thoughts that have helped other kids. The most important thing I can tell you is to be honest about how you feel. Your desires matter and it’s good to give yourself permission to have your thoughts and feelings. Lots of kids of divorce feel torn between their parents; they love them both, but, for various reasons, want to live with one more than the other.

It’s very natural for a 12-year-old girl to want to be with her mother. There is an important and vital connection to be nurtured between a mother and a daughter. Mothers can help their daughters through life because they fully understand what it’s like to be a girl growing into a young woman. Your mother can help you through certain challenges like body changes, boys, and friendships that your dad, naturally, can’t do in the same way. Even the best dads in the world can’t answer the question, “What does it mean to be a woman?” just like the best moms can’t answer a boys questions about manhood.

Something else to think about is that some kids live with one parent because the other parent is not able to care for their child at that time. Whether it’s because of serious parenting issues, a health problem, or the inability to provide an adequate home, a child your age is old enough to know if there are specific and important reasons that you’re not with your other parent as much.

If you feel safe with your dad, you can tell him your feelings. It’s likely that he wants closeness with you and wants you to share what’s on your mind. Maybe you can start out by saying something like, “Dad, I love you and I like living with you. But lately, I’ve been feeling like I need more time with mom. Do you think there is any way we can arrange that? I’m 12 years old now, almost a teenager, and I feel like I need my mom.”

If you’re afraid that even these gentle, true words will hurt him, please remember that this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t say them anyway. It’s important to have this discussion with your dad because you’re in a transition part of your life and the need for your mother is becoming more urgent. If you simply can’t talk to your dad, (you don’t feel safe), please find another trusted adult (i.e. teacher, pastor, youth leader) who you can talk with.

If it’s not possible for you to spend more time with your mother, maybe there is another adult female in your life who you look up to and can trust that can help you with the “girl” things of life. Let’s face it; there are just some things we can’t talk to our dads about. And you need an older woman to discuss these things with. If your dad has remarried, it might be worth a try to talk with your stepmother. She was once a girl as well.

I hope these thoughts are helpful to you. If you think it will help, show your dad this article. He may be able to get a clearer picture of what you need as a young lady.

It’s not uncommon at all for an abusive husband to express regret and even sorrow over what he’s done to his wife. But often this is part of the cycle of abuse. After the violence occurs, there is often a period of regret, and then a “honeymoon” period where the husband gives his wife gifts or shows affection. But if a husband isn’t willing to go beyond an apology and deal with his abusive behavior, it’s only a matter of time, however, before tensions rise in the marriage and the husband abuses his wife again. It’s a cycle that must be broken, but it takes much more than an apology (Jeremiah 15:19, Ezekiel 14:6).

The wife of an abusive husband needs to be cautious about taking him back too quickly. She must realize that her husband’s apology may be a way for him to maneuver his way back into her heart and get her to believe the abuse will stop. Many apologetic husbands believe they can stop the abuse on their own, but experience tells us that this is not the case. Clear and effective intervention that confronts the husband and holds him accountable for his actions is necessary.

For a wife who’s afraid of her husband and his cruel treatment of her, separation is an option she should seriously consider with the help of friends, family, a pastor, a counselor and/or an agency equipped to deal with domestic violence. Usually it’s extremely difficult for an abused wife to leave the relationship on her own. If the husband continues to abuse, police involvement is appropriate, not only because domestic violence is illegal, but it can also be an opportunity for him to wake up and realize he’s going to lose his wife and family if he continues down this road (Psalms 7:15-16; Proverbs 29:11).

The pressure he’s putting on you to take him back indicates that he has not yet acknowledged the severe damage he’s caused you (James 1:20). He needs to acknowledge that he abused you, commit himself to getting help, identify his controlling attitudes and behaviors, and face the reasons why he has abused you. These steps are crucial in personal as well as marital healing.

The process of healing takes a considerable amount of time.  It may take years for him to show that he’s a changed man and for you to feel safe with him.

I hope these thoughts are helpful. This is not an easy road to follow, but neither is living with a cruel man. And it is the road that provides hope for change and healing in your marriage.

Your spouse responds, “Yes, honey, I remember. Those were special times.” He leans over and gives the child a kiss on the forehead.

In families that haven’t been shattered by divorce, this exchange between father and child is welcomed. But it can be a different story in a blended family. A fond memory that brings delight for one family member can also create a sense of isolation for another.

When unshared memories break into conversation, the stepparent can actually feel like an outsider looking in on another family. It can escalate to feeling unwanted or unneeded. These feelings can, in turn, lead to jealousy.

There are at least four things a stepparent can do to address jealous feelings because of memories shared by only one side of the family.

Don’t act on your jealous feelings. Acknowledge that you have jealous feelings, but realize that these are feelings that you shouldn’t act on. Giving in to jealousy will only increase the tension you feel. Manage your feelings and don’t let them direct your actions toward your stepchildren or your spouse. It will only harm these relationships. As servants of Christ, we’re to pray for the strength to put aside our needs for the moment and allow another’s needs to be met. “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others” ( Philippians 2:4 ).

Share your feelings with your spouse. Talking with your spouse can help your feelings of being left out, especially if your spouse listens without judging you. Some, though, hold their feelings, which seems to make them take on a life and reality of their own. Keeping your emotion bottled up inside can distort your perspective. Speaking “the truth in love,” however, can help prevent a warped perspective from developing, and encourage deeper sharing and intimacy between you and your spouse ( Ephesians 4:15 ).

Build your own memories. Good memories are essential for building closeness between family members. They make us feel affirmed and warm toward each other. In the same way, we have shared memories with our heavenly Father. We remember what He has done for us so that we can continue a close and trusting relationship with Him ( Psalm 105:5 ).

Some of the ways parents can give stepchildren happy memories is through special family rituals, vacations, and new family traditions. Holidays and birthdays are great opportunities to create unique family ties, but even ordinary moments can also become special to children (i.e. riding bikes together, reading by the fire, eating popcorn and watching a movie.) Remember these good times through taking home videos, photographs, or simply reminiscing together.

Recognize the importance of a stepchild to reminisce with his or her parent. Just as it is important for your blended family to build new memories, it is crucial that children stay connected to their parents through old memories. Children love to remember what it was like when they were little, and that need is magnified in a blended family. Because their family was torn apart, they desperately try to piece it back together so it won’t be erased. These memories give them a sense of stability by remembering how they were loved. God, too, compassionately chronicles who we are and how we’ve been loved. 1 John 3:1 reminds us, “How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!. . .” In this way, the Bible is a memory book of God’s great love for us.

At times you will feel close to your stepchildren, but at other times you’ll seem disconnected because of memories that you don’t share. This is a difficult, yet natural part of being in a stepfamily. Putting aside jealous feelings for the moment, talking to your spouse, building new memories, and valuing memories shared between parents and children can give you the freedom to grow and bond together into a healthy blended family.

This kind of divided loyalty, or perception of it, is typical in the blended family. And it’s bound to affect your relationships with your spouse, stepchildren, and stepsiblings. Parents can, however, lessen the tendency to be one-sided by considering some of the following life principles:

First, it’s important to be honest about your special feelings for your own children. There’s probably no bond as strong as that between a parent and his or her biological children. That’s natural. Therefore, a parent will tend to “protect” one’s natural child by showing favoritism. But there’s not a “natural” bond between stepparents and stepchildren. Their bond is socially, not biologically, created. The biblical ideal is to love equally and act fairly regardless of blood ties, and this is not “natural” either. With God’s help, though, we can overcome the natural tendency towards prejudice that interferes with a harmonious blended household. ( Genesis 37:3-4 , James 2:1,9 ).

Next, spouses can talk about the reasons for not dealing with certain issues with their children. For example, many non-custodial parents say that because they don’t have much time with their children, they don’t want to spend that precious time correcting their behavior. While their feelings are understandable, giving up the responsibility for training is not in the best interest of the children. They need their parent’s individual attention when it comes to good character development ( Proverbs 19:18 ). Each parent, custodial or not, should prayerfully commit themselves to investing in the proper behavior development of each child by guiding them through structured discipline ( Proverbs 13:24 , Ephesians 6:18 , 1 Thessalonians 5:17 ).

As you consistently uphold household standards for each child, also devote time to look into the deeper concerns he or she has. Sometimes, for example, a child may be acting up because he has feelings that he can’t express related to the divorce and remarriage. Talking with the child not only about his behavior, but also his feelings communicates deep love and care.

Children will inevitably challenge the rules of conduct in your home. Remarried couples must meet that challenge with a strong united front. Children need to see that each spouse has equal authority in the home and that each spouse will appropriately support the other. This is important because kids want their way, even to the point of trying to strategically position a parent against a stepparent. But what children need is loving parents who can’t be manipulated. This provides security for the children and gives them a real chance to mature because they know their parents can’t be “controlled” that way.

Parents should do all they can to reduce the perception of favoritism in their stepfamily. All children deserve love, care, and training in life, whether they are your biological offspring, or children added to your life and love through a remarriage. This is hard work, but work that can deepen your trust in God, develop greater intimacy between you and your spouse and help build a safe, fair, and Christ-honoring home for each child.

In an emotional trauma, we try to make sense of our pain. There’s a constant drive to understand and explain why this agony is happening. During this time we can be tempted to respond to rejection in unhealthy ways. We can develop a contempt for ourselves, a contempt for others, a contempt for God, or a combination of all three.

In self-contempt, we take the full responsibility for the failure of the relationship. We wonder, What is it about me that causes people to leave me? We doubt our value as a person, and everything about us is called into question. Doubts of our ability to maintain a loving relationship trouble us. We think, They must have seen something so repulsive in me that no one can love me. Facing the rejection of a spouse, for example, can be especially difficult when you see other couples staying together through devastating experiences. We wonder why our own relationship could not stand the test of trials.

Contempt for others is another response we might use to try and make some sense of our pain. It holds others as fully responsible for the dynamics in the relationship. We view them as evil. We write them off with, “It’s all their fault.” Or we might put distance between others and ourselves and view them with contempt. We avoid close relationships because we believe that no one can be trusted.

Contempt for God blames Him for our pain. We reason that if He is in control of our lives and He loves us, why didn’t He protect us from this heart-breaking experience? Those who have been rejected and abused by their parents as children, in particular, can tend to blame an all-powerful God for their suffering. Rejection and loss causes us to doubt that God loves us because we are angry with Him for not protecting us and allowing it to happen.

At first, contempt for ourselves, others, and God works for us. It helps us maintain the facade that we have everything under control because we have “explained” the reason for the pain. We can now go on with our lives, fixing what we can about ourselves and keeping everyone (including God) at a distance. This drive to control our world is so strong that we would rather hate ourselves (self-contempt) than be faced with the fact that we are not in control and that we may be hurt again.

What sounds good about contempt is that it does not require facing additional pain. It avoids grieving losses. It sedates the heart and it keeps others from getting too close. That sounds inviting to a hurting person, but if we nurture contempt, it will lead to depression, loneliness, and bitterness.

We are desperately afraid, because to love again we must risk being vulnerable and admit that we do care, no matter how hard we try to numb our hearts. When we are at the end of our rope and we begin to realize that contempt no longer works for us, we can choose a better way of dealing with life. Letting others get close to us and learning to trust again leads us through the process of grief. For a person who has been hurt, grieving may sound like a sadistic choice. But grief will lead us down the path to restoring our faith, embracing hope, and opening ourselves up to love.

Grieving is important because it provokes us to cry out to God, and thereby to open ourselves to His healing ( Psalm 34:17 ). He is ultimately the One who can give us comfort and protection ( Psalm 61:3; Matthew 5:4 ). When we grieve, we face the truth that we have been deeply hurt and there is something lacking. There is a hole in our hearts that hurts terribly.

It may not feel like it at first, but healing begins when we face the sadness and disappointment of the loss of our hopes and dreams. We tend to avoid our feelings (i.e. deep sadness) because we are afraid that they will consume us, that we will never find comfort. But if we act in faith and “throw ourselves” on the Lord in dependence and cry out to Him, He will be the rock that saves us from the overwhelming waves of pain ( Psalm 34:18 ). God’s comfort gives us hope — hope for a brighter future and for love again. Life without hope is not worth living. Scripture says that God will fill us with hope ( Romans 15:13 ). It also recognizes the vitality and necessity of hope (Psalm 119:116; 147:11 ).

The process of growth is difficult because it engages us in an agonizing battle between faith and doubt. When doubt begins to get the best of us, we will be tempted to give up. Contempt will seduce us as we fight through intense emotion and questions. Ironically, resisting contempt and entering into this dark valley of emotion is when we can begin to see our faith deepen.

When we see our faith deepen and we are reminded of how God is working in our lives, hope grows. Hope gives us the motivation to love, which is the most important element in the believer’s life ( Matthew 22:37-40; 1 Corinthians 13:13 ). Love will open our hearts to hear the truth about our strengths and shortcomings ( 1 Corinthians 13:6 ). Love will soften our hearts for others, cultivate forgiveness, and help us face the beams in our own eyes before we look at the specks in the eyes of our brothers or sisters ( Matthew 7:3-5 ).

We can’t fight this battle alone. We need to talk to strong Christian friends who can remind us of the truth of God’s love for us. It’s important to have friends who will give us freedom and support as we grapple with our doubts and fierce emotion. We may need to seek the help of a good biblical counselor during this rough time. And filling our minds with the truth of God’s Word will strengthen us. Meditating on Scripture will equip us and cause our faith to grow.

Unhealthy responses to the pain of rejection inhibit a life of joy, peace, and love. But responding to rejection in a healthy manner, by honestly grieving and crying out to God, can strengthen our character, deepen our faith, and allow God to change and heal our hearts. We can learn to embrace a hopeful vision that God is up to something good in our lives, even in the midst of heart-breaking rejection ( Romans 8:28 ).

Focusing on what your child is saying involves nonjudgmentally repeating back to him what you hear him saying, empathizing with his feelings, not criticizing him, and not being too anxious to give advice until he feels understood.

The following is an example of a conversation that can digress into pushing an adolescent away, causing distance between parent and teen.

Bridge-burning:

Parent:  “Why are you getting a failing grade in science?”

Teen:  “I hate that class. It’s so stupid, the teacher is an idiot.”

Parent: “Sounds like to me that you have a pretty bad attitude. Your teacher is there to help you, she’s not an idiot.”

Teen:  “I turned in an assignment late and she marked me down one letter grade!  That’s how stupid she is.”

Parent:  “Well that’s what you get for procrastinating and being so unorganized! You’re grounded for a week.”

Does this example mean that questions like “Why are you getting a failing grade?” or statements such as “Your attitude is bad” are inappropriate for a parent to say to a child?  Of course not. There are times when it would be negligent not to speak the truth to a teen who’s showing a pattern of negative thinking and behaving (Proverbs 13:24; Ephesians 4:15). Without your teaching, he or she most likely will continue down this destructive path. Parents should continue to give clear direction and guidance to their teens until they become adults.

The problem isn’t having an occasional negative discussion. If parents are doing a decent job of guiding their teen, heated disagreements are common. So it’s not a matter of having the “perfect” dialogue. But when negative conversations become a pattern of relating to our teenagers, when more often than not, our teen stomps off angry and we’re left feeling disappointed, walls are built, instead of bridges. Parents become more frustrated and teens feel misunderstood and disconnected from us (Ephesians 6:4; James 1:19).

Here is an example of a bridge-building conversation that can help an adolescent feel heard and understood. This is merely an illustration, not a script guaranteeing a conflict-free conversation. But it can give parents an idea how to better communicate care to their teens (Ephesians 4:29).

Bridge-building:

Parent:  “I noticed that you’re struggling in science.  Can you tell me about that class? What’s it like for you?”

Teen:  “I hate that class. It’s so stupid, the teacher is an idiot.”

Parent: “It sounds like you’re really struggling, especially with your teacher.”

Teen: “I turned in an assignment late and she marked me down one letter grade!  That’s how stupid she is.”

Parent:  “I’m sorry that happened.”

Teen: “Whatever. I hate science and I always will. I’m just dumb I guess.”

Parent: “It sounds like you’re really frustrated with this class. But believe me, you’re anything but dumb. I think you have what it takes to make it in this class. If you want to talk about how to get that grade up, just let me know. I may have some ideas for you.”

A teen is more likely to feel heard and be open to further discussion as a result of this type of conversation.

Empathic listening isn’t the only answer to all problems we face with teens, but many of us parents could probably use it more than we do. And if you feel you’ve done more bridge-burning than bridge-building with your teen, and he seems to drift further away from you, it’s not too late to, in the course of a conversation, turn things around and start listening. It sounds simple, but it can actually have a terrific payoff in your relationship.

Reassure them of your love. As God comforts and gives us a sense of security by reminding us that He is our loving heavenly Father who will never leave us (Hebrews 13:5, Psalm 139:1-6), divorced parents need to give their children never-ending reassurance that they are deeply loved and taken care of. Children whose parents are divorcing fear being abandoned. They have trouble trusting that their world won’t come crashing down around them again. Because of this, divorcing parents need to repeatedly tell their children that they love them and that even though one parent is moving out, they will always be there for them. Parents who tenderly reassure their children of their continued love and commitment can do a lot to put their child’s mind and heart at ease even in the midst of divorce-turmoil. If a child doesn’t feel loved and safe, he will have a hard time facing life’s other challenges (Proverbs 13:12). Your reassurance can also plant a seed of future confidence that God will take care of them.

Not only are verbal expressions of your love important, but also working hard to show your love through your actions. Creating a stable home life is a high priority and demonstrates that your children are important to you. Try to keep most of the routines the same. For example, if at all possible, don’t change schools. If the children were involved in any school, church, or community activities before the divorce, do your best to keep them involved in those same activities. Minimizing change can help kids stay connected to their lives before divorce. Of course, some things will change, but consistent routines and maintaining the same support system (friends and family) throughout the experience can help children cope better with the emotional pain and confusion.

Another important principle from the Bible is that that we can be honest and open about our feelings. This honest expression of our true emotions can set us free from unhealthy patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving (Psalms 107:6, 13, 19, 28; 118:5). Children who go through the divorce of their parents experience an assortment of emotions such as anger, sadness, and guilt. Keeping these feelings inside inhibits children from growing. It also creates tension within them and they “act out” what they’re feeling, usually in unhealthy ways. The problem is that it’s difficult for many children to know what they’re feeling and to recognize how their feelings influence their behavior. Parents can help their children by encouraging (not forcing) them to express their emotions through talking, art, music, or some other form of communication. Then talk together about the feelings and connect them to their behavior (“You hit your brother because you felt angry”). Help the child see that there are better ways to cope with the emotion (“Let’s talk about some other ways you can express your anger”). At times, a child can hide his feelings to the extent that the parent can’t make the connection between the emotion and the behavior. It’s at this point that many parents have benefited from seeking the help and advice of a counselor or a psychologist.

Every divorce is different. But they produce common problems: fear of abandonment, adjustment issues, and difficulty in communicating feelings. Parents who express their love to their children through reassurance, stability, and giving them the freedom and opportunity to express their feelings can help their children cope with the turmoil of divorce.

Recommended Reading:

1. Helping Your Kids Cope With Divorce The Sandcastle’s Way by M. Gary Neuman, L.M.H.C. with Patricia Romanowski (Random House, 1998.)

2. Good Parenting Through Your Divorce by Mary Ellen Hannibal (Marlowe & Company, New York)

It’s not uncommon at all for an abusive husband to express regret and even sorrow over what he’s done to his wife. But often this is part of the cycle of abuse. After the violence occurs, there is often a period of regret, and then a “honeymoon” period where the husband gives his wife gifts or shows affection. But if a husband is not willing to go beyond an apology and deal with why he has abused, it’s only a matter of time before tensions rise in the marriage and he abuses his wife again. It’s a cycle that must be broken, and it takes much more than an apology (Jeremiah 15:19, Ezekiel 14:6).

The pressure you’re putting your wife under to reconcile with you indicates that you have not yet acknowledged the severe damage you’ve done to your wife personally and your marriage relationship (James 1:20). You should be broken up over the fact that you’ve had a pattern of punishing and dominating your wife. And you should be willing to give your wife as much time and space as she needs to work through the harm you’ve caused her. Your heart is moving towards repentance when you, without excuses, acknowledge that you’ve been abusive, commit yourself to understanding the damage you’ve caused, identify controlling attitudes and behaviors, and explore reasons why you abuse. These steps are crucial in personal as well as marital healing.

The process of healing a marriage takes a considerable amount of time. It may take years for you to show that you’re a changed man and for your wife to feel safe enough to take you back. Only after you’ve consistently shown that you’re a man who’s facing his anger and control issues, not pressuring her to take you back, and being broken over your sin can you lovingly invite her to a renewed relationship built on love, respect, safety, and trust.

I hope these thoughts are helpful. I’m sure they’re not easy to read, but it’s my hope and prayer that you can face the damage you’ve done, not only for the purpose of reconciling with your wife, but also to experience the freedom and love only found in complete abandon to Jesus Christ.