Focusing on what your child is saying involves nonjudgmentally repeating back to him what you hear him saying, empathizing with his feelings, not criticizing him, and not being too anxious to give advice until he feels understood.

The following is an example of a conversation that can digress into pushing an adolescent away, causing distance between parent and teen.

Bridge-burning:

Parent:  “Why are you getting a failing grade in science?”

Teen:  “I hate that class. It’s so stupid, the teacher is an idiot.”

Parent: “Sounds like to me that you have a pretty bad attitude. Your teacher is there to help you, she’s not an idiot.”

Teen:  “I turned in an assignment late and she marked me down one letter grade!  That’s how stupid she is.”

Parent:  “Well that’s what you get for procrastinating and being so unorganized! You’re grounded for a week.”

Does this example mean that questions like “Why are you getting a failing grade?” or statements such as “Your attitude is bad” are inappropriate for a parent to say to a child?  Of course not. There are times when it would be negligent not to speak the truth to a teen who’s showing a pattern of negative thinking and behaving (Proverbs 13:24; Ephesians 4:15). Without your teaching, he or she most likely will continue down this destructive path. Parents should continue to give clear direction and guidance to their teens until they become adults.

The problem isn’t having an occasional negative discussion. If parents are doing a decent job of guiding their teen, heated disagreements are common. So it’s not a matter of having the “perfect” dialogue. But when negative conversations become a pattern of relating to our teenagers, when more often than not, our teen stomps off angry and we’re left feeling disappointed, walls are built, instead of bridges. Parents become more frustrated and teens feel misunderstood and disconnected from us (Ephesians 6:4; James 1:19).

Here is an example of a bridge-building conversation that can help an adolescent feel heard and understood. This is merely an illustration, not a script guaranteeing a conflict-free conversation. But it can give parents an idea how to better communicate care to their teens (Ephesians 4:29).

Bridge-building:

Parent:  “I noticed that you’re struggling in science.  Can you tell me about that class? What’s it like for you?”

Teen:  “I hate that class. It’s so stupid, the teacher is an idiot.”

Parent: “It sounds like you’re really struggling, especially with your teacher.”

Teen: “I turned in an assignment late and she marked me down one letter grade!  That’s how stupid she is.”

Parent:  “I’m sorry that happened.”

Teen: “Whatever. I hate science and I always will. I’m just dumb I guess.”

Parent: “It sounds like you’re really frustrated with this class. But believe me, you’re anything but dumb. I think you have what it takes to make it in this class. If you want to talk about how to get that grade up, just let me know. I may have some ideas for you.”

A teen is more likely to feel heard and be open to further discussion as a result of this type of conversation.

Empathic listening isn’t the only answer to all problems we face with teens, but many of us parents could probably use it more than we do. And if you feel you’ve done more bridge-burning than bridge-building with your teen, and he seems to drift further away from you, it’s not too late to, in the course of a conversation, turn things around and start listening. It sounds simple, but it can actually have a terrific payoff in your relationship.

This kind of divided loyalty, or perception of it, is typical in the blended family. And it’s bound to affect your relationships with your spouse, stepchildren, and stepsiblings. Parents can, however, lessen the tendency to be one-sided by considering some of the following life principles:

First, it’s important to be honest about your special feelings for your own children. There’s probably no bond as strong as that between a parent and his or her biological children. That’s natural. Therefore, a parent will tend to “protect” one’s natural child by showing favoritism. But there’s not a “natural” bond between stepparents and stepchildren. Their bond is socially, not biologically, created. The biblical ideal is to love equally and act fairly regardless of blood ties, and this is not “natural” either. With God’s help, though, we can overcome the natural tendency towards prejudice that interferes with a harmonious blended household. ( Genesis 37:3-4 , James 2:1,9 ).

Next, spouses can talk about the reasons for not dealing with certain issues with their children. For example, many non-custodial parents say that because they don’t have much time with their children, they don’t want to spend that precious time correcting their behavior. While their feelings are understandable, giving up the responsibility for training is not in the best interest of the children. They need their parent’s individual attention when it comes to good character development ( Proverbs 19:18 ). Each parent, custodial or not, should prayerfully commit themselves to investing in the proper behavior development of each child by guiding them through structured discipline ( Proverbs 13:24 , Ephesians 6:18 , 1 Thessalonians 5:17 ).

As you consistently uphold household standards for each child, also devote time to look into the deeper concerns he or she has. Sometimes, for example, a child may be acting up because he has feelings that he can’t express related to the divorce and remarriage. Talking with the child not only about his behavior, but also his feelings communicates deep love and care.

Children will inevitably challenge the rules of conduct in your home. Remarried couples must meet that challenge with a strong united front. Children need to see that each spouse has equal authority in the home and that each spouse will appropriately support the other. This is important because kids want their way, even to the point of trying to strategically position a parent against a stepparent. But what children need is loving parents who can’t be manipulated. This provides security for the children and gives them a real chance to mature because they know their parents can’t be “controlled” that way.

Parents should do all they can to reduce the perception of favoritism in their stepfamily. All children deserve love, care, and training in life, whether they are your biological offspring, or children added to your life and love through a remarriage. This is hard work, but work that can deepen your trust in God, develop greater intimacy between you and your spouse and help build a safe, fair, and Christ-honoring home for each child.