Let’s be clear that being an individual doesn’t mean that you don’t need anyone. God intended for us to have a healthy degree of dependence on one another (Galatians 6:1-2). Being your own person doesn’t mean that you don’t take into account what others think; we should allow others the freedom to have their own thoughts and opinions. It doesn’t mean that you can make choices without considering how they affect others. Followers of Jesus should always take into consideration the interests of others (Philippians. 2:4).

Being your own person means that you conduct yourself on the basis of your own set of convictions, standards, and beliefs. You are open-minded, but not easily persuaded by what others think. Your tendency is to make decisions based on what you believe is good, right, and honoring to God, even if there is a risk of upsetting others.

To help you gauge the level of appropriate independence for a sound marriage, ask yourself the following questions: Do I believe that my opinions count for something, or do I consider them unimportant? Do I tend to make decisions and interact with people based on my convictions of what is best, or out of the fear of losing their friendship or experiencing their disapproval or anger?

Ask others whether they think of you as a strong or weak person. Do they notice that you hold your ground in conversations, or do they feel that you tend to concede too easily? Do they see you as a person who stands up for yourself appropriately, or do you allow people to control or take advantage of you? Do you come across as a person who can hold others accountable for their mistakes, or do they see you as one who too readily accepts blame when something goes wrong?

Everyone is afraid at times. However, those who are controlled by fear are susceptible to being used and controlled in a marriage. If you are afraid to speak your mind because you fear that others will get angry and disapprove, you are not independent enough to get married. You need to take the time to build the godly independence and strength necessary to stand for what you believe and against things that can destroy a marriage.

Christians are not called to be passive doormats. We know this because there were moments when Jesus exposed, questioned, and confronted people who were in the wrong (Matthew 23:13-33; John 18:19-23). Although you may not be strong enough now to get married, there is hope that in time you can be. You can find the strength and the freedom that is in Christ and begin relating confidently to others out of love and godly self-assurance instead of fear. Being confident before God as one guided by the Holy Spirit, you can mature to the point of making an ideal marriage partner who offers him or herself as a whole person — and also have the capacity to recognize the kind of mate God desires for you. What is vital for you if you have witnessed an abusive marriage is to have the wisdom to recognize and understand the harmful dynamics of such a marriage — and have the determination to avoid relationships with potential mates who demonstrate such dynamics.

It’s not uncommon at all for an abusive husband to express regret and even sorrow over what he’s done to his wife. But often this is part of the cycle of abuse. After the violence occurs, there is often a period of regret, and then a “honeymoon” period where the husband gives his wife gifts or shows affection. But if a husband is not willing to go beyond an apology and deal with why he has abused, it’s only a matter of time before tensions rise in the marriage and he abuses his wife again. It’s a cycle that must be broken, and it takes much more than an apology (Jeremiah 15:19, Ezekiel 14:6).

The pressure you’re putting your wife under to reconcile with you indicates that you have not yet acknowledged the severe damage you’ve done to your wife personally and your marriage relationship (James 1:20). You should be broken up over the fact that you’ve had a pattern of punishing and dominating your wife. And you should be willing to give your wife as much time and space as she needs to work through the harm you’ve caused her. Your heart is moving towards repentance when you, without excuses, acknowledge that you’ve been abusive, commit yourself to understanding the damage you’ve caused, identify controlling attitudes and behaviors, and explore reasons why you abuse. These steps are crucial in personal as well as marital healing.

The process of healing a marriage takes a considerable amount of time. It may take years for you to show that you’re a changed man and for your wife to feel safe enough to take you back. Only after you’ve consistently shown that you’re a man who’s facing his anger and control issues, not pressuring her to take you back, and being broken over your sin can you lovingly invite her to a renewed relationship built on love, respect, safety, and trust.

I hope these thoughts are helpful. I’m sure they’re not easy to read, but it’s my hope and prayer that you can face the damage you’ve done, not only for the purpose of reconciling with your wife, but also to experience the freedom and love only found in complete abandon to Jesus Christ.

The loneliness after the loss of someone you deeply loved can be both difficult and good. It is difficult in that you deeply miss your mate. You no longer feel whole because you miss your “other half.” Everywhere you turn you are reminded of their absence. And you begin to realize just how deeply they touched every aspect of your life. Their absence leaves a gaping hole in your heart.

At the same time, this loneliness and grief can be good because the absence of the love of your life pushes you into areas of your heart that you’d just as soon avoid. This is the conclusion of the writer of Ecclesiastes:

It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart (Ecclesiastes 7:2).

It also is good because in those times of solitude God invites you to cling to Him in ways you never thought possible or necessary. Sorrow, grief, and loneliness pry open the heart to the deeper groaning of the soul that is often eclipsed by the normal day-to-day business of life. It is this groaning that reflects a core and chronic dissatisfaction with life on this planet “under the sun” ( Ecclesiastes 1:13-14 ) and entices us to long for heaven ( Romans 8:23 ).

Not only is this a time for sorrow and grief, but also a time for living and hope. God is not finished with you. You didn’t die. God still has plans for you and that’s why you’re still here. There is more living and loving to do. While that loving may not mean another marriage, it does mean refusing to become a recluse by withdrawing from relationships with family and friends.

Many grandparents who lose a spouse often refuse to accept invitations to spend extended times with their children and grandchildren because they don’t want to be a burden to them. However, the opposite is often the case. The invitations from children are not invitations to invade their lives. Instead, they are invitations for the remaining parent to be more involved in their lives. Remember, they too lost someone very special to them — their mother or father. Sharing your life with them gives them time to heal while reaffirming their love for you. This investment in those who are living reaffirms God’s reason for you being alive.

To go on with life often feels like you are ignoring the loss of your mate. But running out to take care of the necessities and then quickly returning home where you feel safe can be a refusal to move on with your life. Times of solitude are an important part of developing a more passionate relationship with Christ, but engaging in life with your children, grandchildren, and mutual friends can renew the joy of living. You can find great fulfillment by investing your life in the lives of others that both you and your spouse loved.

Please don’t feel guilty about enjoying life without your spouse. You are not betraying your love for him or her by having a wonderful meal, laughing again, or delighting in your grandchildren. Rather, it demonstrates that you recognize life is a precious gift from God. And you know your spouse would want you to please the Lord by living to the fullest extent possible.

The Scriptures make it clear that sexual intimacy is not something to be entered into lightly. (See the ATQ article Why Shouldn’t Sex Be Casual?) Because the natural design of sexual intimacy is to mold two individual people in their physical, emotional, and spiritual entirety into “one flesh,” the uncommitted sexual intimacy of two single people can never be like the sexual experience and fulfillment married people are capable of enjoying. Seeking sexual intimacy outside of its appropriate context of a long-term, committed relationship is like an unscrupulous athlete trying to substitute performance-enhancing drugs for discipline and training. Uncommitted sexual experiences only distort the real meaning of sexual fulfillment. One-bodiedness (genuine sexual intimacy—see Genesis 2:24 ) can only occur in the context of lifelong love.

Contemporary cultural circumstances have confused the purpose of sex. Contraception has separated sex from its natural purpose in conception, childbearing, parenting, and family bonding. The identification of sexual “liberation” with pornography and promiscuity along with a cultural relativism that assumes the equality of all sexual behavior have contributed to unprecedented rates of divorce, family instability, and social problems.

Regardless of the cultural circumstances, Scripture declares that sexual love symbolizes God’s love for us (Ephesians 5:25-33 ). Our fallen nature has resulted in our misusing sex for selfish purposes (lust, power, etc.). Sexuality is linked to a long-term—even eternal—purpose, and requires commitment to that purpose.

It does not matter what the two people . . . have in mind. . . . The reality of the act, unfelt and unnoticed by them, is this: It unites them—body and soul—to each other. It unites them in that strange, impossible to pinpoint sense of “one flesh.” There is no such thing as casual sex, no matter how casual people are about it. The Christian assaults reality in his night out at the brothel. He uses a woman and puts her back in a closet where she can be forgotten; but the reality is that he has put away a person with whom he has done something that was meant to inseparably join them. This is what is at stake for Paul in the question of sexual intercourse between unmarried people.

And now we can see clearly why Paul thought sexual intercourse by unmarried people was wrong. It is wrong because it violates the inner reality of the act; it is wrong because unmarried people thereby engage in a life-uniting act without a life-uniting intent. Whenever two people copulate without a commitment to life-union, they commit fornication.* (Lewis Smedes, Sex for Christians, rev. ed. [Grand Rapids, MI: Eerdmans, 1994], pp. 109-10.)

*Fornication is a strong, scriptural word. But the intent of the word is not merely to condemn, but to warn. (Back To Article)

One viewpoint that some try to use to argue against the use of birth control is that God will limit the number of children when He decides we have enough. This way of thinking, however, seems to border more on presumption than faith. Faith advocates wise choices and responsible living. Presumption advocates testing God, over which He grieves ( Mark 8:11-13 ) and can encourage foolish, reckless, and irresponsible choices ( Matthew 4:5-7 ). Others use the argument that God wants every husband and wife to have a “full quiver” ( Psalm 127:3 ). The dilemma is that the Bible never specifies how full is full.

Like many other issues in life, God leaves it up to us to decide how to honor Him in all that we do. God could have plainly stated: “All families must have 5 children; no more, and no less.” That would have ended the issue. But He chose not to, because He allows for personal choice in the matter.

The freedom to choose, however, also takes into consideration why a choice is made. There is a big difference between choosing to use birth control for selfish reasons versus responsible reasons. If a vasectomy or other forms of birth control are chosen mostly out of convenience, then a couple should question their decision. On the other hand, if their decision is made out of an attempt to be responsible by recognizing their unique limitation as parents, then it is likely a wise choice.

Realistically, almost every couple must practice some form of birth control. Otherwise, most married couples would conceivably have an inordinate number of children. Although God does not oppose limiting the size of a family to the number of children that parents can wisely raise to serve Him, He never intended parents to use birth control devices to prevent having children completely. Children are “a heritage of the Lord” ( Psalm 127:3 ) and a great source of blessing.