It’s not uncommon at all for an abusive husband to express regret and even sorrow over what he’s done to his wife. But often this is part of the cycle of abuse. After the violence occurs, there is often a period of regret, and then a “honeymoon” period where the husband gives his wife gifts or shows affection. But if a husband isn’t willing to go beyond an apology and deal with his abusive behavior, it’s only a matter of time, however, before tensions rise in the marriage and the husband abuses his wife again. It’s a cycle that must be broken, but it takes much more than an apology (Jeremiah 15:19, Ezekiel 14:6).

The wife of an abusive husband needs to be cautious about taking him back too quickly. She must realize that her husband’s apology may be a way for him to maneuver his way back into her heart and get her to believe the abuse will stop. Many apologetic husbands believe they can stop the abuse on their own, but experience tells us that this is not the case. Clear and effective intervention that confronts the husband and holds him accountable for his actions is necessary.

For a wife who’s afraid of her husband and his cruel treatment of her, separation is an option she should seriously consider with the help of friends, family, a pastor, a counselor and/or an agency equipped to deal with domestic violence. Usually it’s extremely difficult for an abused wife to leave the relationship on her own. If the husband continues to abuse, police involvement is appropriate, not only because domestic violence is illegal, but it can also be an opportunity for him to wake up and realize he’s going to lose his wife and family if he continues down this road (Psalms 7:15-16; Proverbs 29:11).

The pressure he’s putting on you to take him back indicates that he has not yet acknowledged the severe damage he’s caused you (James 1:20). He needs to acknowledge that he abused you, commit himself to getting help, identify his controlling attitudes and behaviors, and face the reasons why he has abused you. These steps are crucial in personal as well as marital healing.

The process of healing takes a considerable amount of time.  It may take years for him to show that he’s a changed man and for you to feel safe with him.

I hope these thoughts are helpful. This is not an easy road to follow, but neither is living with a cruel man. And it is the road that provides hope for change and healing in your marriage.

It’s not uncommon at all for an abusive husband to express regret and even sorrow over what he’s done to his wife. But often this is part of the cycle of abuse. After the violence occurs, there is often a period of regret, and then a “honeymoon” period where the husband gives his wife gifts or shows affection. But if a husband is not willing to go beyond an apology and deal with why he has abused, it’s only a matter of time before tensions rise in the marriage and he abuses his wife again. It’s a cycle that must be broken, and it takes much more than an apology (Jeremiah 15:19, Ezekiel 14:6).

The pressure you’re putting your wife under to reconcile with you indicates that you have not yet acknowledged the severe damage you’ve done to your wife personally and your marriage relationship (James 1:20). You should be broken up over the fact that you’ve had a pattern of punishing and dominating your wife. And you should be willing to give your wife as much time and space as she needs to work through the harm you’ve caused her. Your heart is moving towards repentance when you, without excuses, acknowledge that you’ve been abusive, commit yourself to understanding the damage you’ve caused, identify controlling attitudes and behaviors, and explore reasons why you abuse. These steps are crucial in personal as well as marital healing.

The process of healing a marriage takes a considerable amount of time. It may take years for you to show that you’re a changed man and for your wife to feel safe enough to take you back. Only after you’ve consistently shown that you’re a man who’s facing his anger and control issues, not pressuring her to take you back, and being broken over your sin can you lovingly invite her to a renewed relationship built on love, respect, safety, and trust.

I hope these thoughts are helpful. I’m sure they’re not easy to read, but it’s my hope and prayer that you can face the damage you’ve done, not only for the purpose of reconciling with your wife, but also to experience the freedom and love only found in complete abandon to Jesus Christ.

Jesus made it clear that God’s primary concern is not mere outward behavior, but the condition of the heart Matthew 23:25-26; Mark 7:5-9; Luke 11:42-44; Luke 11:42-44. Therefore the sincerity of the confession is what counts.

Unfortunately, we can be sincere in our repentance and confession and still fall into sin again. Because believers continue to be influenced by the “flesh”—the fallen aspect of their personalities—in this world they are incapable of perfect sincerity. At times they are more vulnerable to temptation than at other times. With the passage of time, the strong awareness of evil and the ugliness of sin that brought us to repentence often fades.

Sincere confession of sin is a heartfelt acknowledgment that our sin is wrong, that we don’t want to continue in it, and that we are ready to exert ourselves—under the guidance of the Holy Spirit—to resist it. God doesn’t expect perfection, because none of us are capable of achieving it, but He does expect sincerity.

Sin is highly addictive, and when we’re not on our guard we can easily succumb to the false sense of relief we experience when we surrender to our compulsions. We need to be aware of sin’s addictive nature. Like someone who is attempting to quit smoking or drinking, the worst thing we can do is to give up on our desire to change or believe we can never change, even though we relapse in moments of weakness.

As we experience increasing freedom from sin, we will experience an increasing awareness of evil and understand more deeply how sin carries its own penalty. Each time genuine believers relapse into sin, they will experience more conviction and a more painful awareness of sin’s destructiveness. Each time they repent and confess their sins, they will be purer, stronger, and less likely to relapse.

Of course, some sins are so serious that even sincere repentance can’t erase their earthly consequences. Sins like murder and adultery can be forgiven by God in the ultimate sense and by fellow Christians in the sense of hoping for a sinner’s restoration, but the damage such sins inflict usually cannot be undone in this life, and consequences such as imprisonment or divorce may be unavoidable.